CULT TV BLOGGING: Quark Round-up!

First, I want to apologize for the scarcity of posts this week. I have been felled by a bad cold (and my wife Kathryn has it worse.) We haven't been doing much besides taking care of little Joel (who turns two tomorrow!) and trying to get some sleep.

But, in the last week or so, I have - at least - managed to catch-up on watching Quark episodes! That's not only because I enjoy the 1977 sci-fi/comedy series very much, but because at 25-minutes an episode, it's about the only production I can stay awake through before the medicine kicks in...

In fact, the medicine is kicking in right now. So beware of any strange typos or turns-of-phrase. I mean, I might end this post by calling you "my fellow prisoners" or something equally odd.

Okay, we last left Captain Adam Quark (Richard Benjamin) and his strange crew in "May the Source Be With You," a Star Wars parody featuring Henry (Killer Kane) Silva as the Gorgon leader. Remember the crew? Ficus: emotionless Vegeton and Mr. Spock parody; Gene/Jean: the transmute (possessed of male and female chromosomes); The Bettys (gorgeous but argumentative clones); and Andy the cowardly (and cussing robot).

Episode # 3: "The Old and the Beautiful:" Another clever parody of Star Trek, this episode involves Quark suddenly and inexplicably aging after his exposure to a strange virus. Yes, it's "The Deadly Years" (or if you're a TNG fan, "Unnatural Selection") all over again. What remains so rewarding about Quark, however, is that it doesn't merely skim the surface of Star Trek parody; it goes deep. For instance, Quark here struggles to retain command of his ship as he becomes senile...in much the same way that Kirk did in "The Deadly Years." He even must engage with a Zorgan battleship (as Old Kirk had to deal with the Romulans when Commodore Stocker took a detour through the Neutral Zone).

At the same time it parodies "The Deadly Years," Quark pokes fun at another classic third season Trek called "Elaan of Troyius." There, as you might recall, Captain Kirk ended up romancing a hot alien princess after succumbing to her "irresistible" tears. In the end, Kirk escaped the heretofore inescapable trap of a Dohlman's Tears because he boasted a greater love: his love for the starship Enterprise. In "The Old and the Beautiful," Quark is assigned to romance an alien princess too, one who is so uh, frisky, in bed that the very act of love-making could kill a healthy, strapping 22- year old man. Let alone a 72 year old man.

In the end, Quark - ergh - comes through, and takes one for the team. And by doing so, sees his youth and vitality restored.

Episode 4: "The Good, The Bad and The Ficus": In this parody of "The Enemy Within" and "Mirror, Mirror" (two of the all time great Star Treks), Quark and his crew are duplicated by an accidental journey through a black hole. The only problem: their duplicates are thoroughly and relentlessly evil. In fact, the Evil Quark launches a campaign of terror throughout the known worlds by sneaking up on Confederation spaceships and blowing them to smithereens when they open their garbage hatches. Back on Perma One, a jingoistic military man is convinced Quark has gone rogue, and plots to kill him. The final battle -- in shades of "Arena" -- involves Quark staging a duel with his evil "self" on a planet surface.

Episode # 5: "Goodbye, Polumbus": Another parody of yet another great Trek, this time season one's "Shore Leave." Here, Quark and his crew are assigned to investigate a planet (Polumbus) that no one has ever returned from. It's a world where all your dreams and fantasies miraculously come true. Ficus romances a hot mathematician (and they flirt through algebraic equations...), Gene/Jean conjures up his childhood comic-book superhero idol, and Quark imagines a lost love from his Academy days (just like Kirk conjured up Ruth.) The episode's title is a riff on the classic 1969 Richard Benjamin film, Goodbye, Columbus.

Episodes 6 & 7: "All the Emperor's Quasi-Norms" (Part I and Part II): All right, this episode had Kathryn and me in stitches. Maybe it was the cold medicine kicking in, or maybe it's just really that funny. This two-part episode of Quark is a dedicated parody of Flash Gordon as Zorgon the Malevolent (think: Ming the Merciless) captures Quark's ship and forces Quark on a quest to recover the mysterious "It" (a stone from the distant planet called "Poo-Poo.") On the asteroid Rhombar, Quark joins up with "The Baron of the Forest People" (think Prince Barin) to recover the stone and defeat Zorgon.

Meanwhile, Zorgon's daughter, the Empress Libido (Joan Van Ark) has fallen in love with the unemotional Ficus. In a scene that comes right out of Star Trek's "The Cloud Minders," Ficus explains how, precisely, an emotionless Vegeton mates. In this case the act is called "pollination" and involves two Vegetons on their backs making silly noises...while waiting for a bee to drop by.

There's a jab here at Star Wars' trash compactor scene too, but the funniest moment involves Quark's false sense of security after he has obtained "It," which turns out to be nothing but a useless rock. Quark keeps putting himself in extreme danger because he believes he's protected by "It", and in fact it's all just blind happenstance that he survives. Unfortunately for Quark, Ficus points out that the rock is useless just as Quark is entering hand-to-hand combat with Zorgon's champion, the evil Cycloid.

Episode # 8: "Vanessa 38-24-36:" In this comedic version of 2001: A Space Odyssey, and also the Star Trek episode "The Ultimate Computer," Quark and his crew are rendered obsolete by a new supercomputer called Vanessa. When Vanessa endangers Quark on a space walk and nearly causes a space collision, Quark realizes it's time to pull the plug. Small problem: there's no plug.

This episode -- and the series itself -- ends with Vanessa finally defeated,floating through outer space singing "Born Free." It's not exactly the HAL 9000 singing Daisy; but you get the point.

So: my honest assessment of Quark? The humor is somewhat dated. (But hey, I'm somewhat dated.) The series is simultaneously corny and addictive as hell. The laugh track is distracting at first, and some of the jokes are so hokey, you sort of cringe. But then -- if you give yourself over (and if you have a working knowledge of the source material being parodied...) -- the series becomes strangely and unexpectedly involving. By the end of the last episode, I was cracking up at every stupid joke the robot Andy made. I don't usually like lowbrow humor, but there's a moment in "The Good, The Bad and The Ficus" wherein Andy the Robot telephones his evil counterpart and they have nasty words. Andy ends up passing gas during the conversation. The rest of the crew joins Andy at the telescreen, and Andy -- moving away -- warns them they may not want to stand there. God help me, that moment cracked me up.

Andy the Flatulent Robot -- Bender couldn't have done it better. Richard Benjamin is also great on this show, playing a man of Kirk's optimism but with none of Kirk's intelligence, agility or heroism. And Richard Kelton is an absolute revelation as Ficus, my favorite character. He is Mr. Spock, of course, made a million times more loquacious and annoying. And where Spock did in fact possess emotion (and occasionally surrender to sentiment), Ficus is absolutely brutal with his disinterest and lack of human understanding.

So yeah, it was a kick to see Quark again (after thirty years!) I just wish there were more episodes to enjoy. In particular, the last three episodes of Quark were really great. To use more Trek terminology, Quark truly seemed to be finding its "space legs" when it got canceled.

Okay, now I must sleep.

CULT TV BLOGGING: Quark: "May the Source Be With You" (1978)

Buck Henry's first target on Quark (1978) was Star Trek, in particular those episodes of the classic series that concerned dangerous cosmic space phenomena ("The Immunity Syndrome"). Henry's second target is - naturally - the (then) recent blockbuster, Star Wars.

The first regular episode of Quark is thus appropriately entitled "May the Source Be With You," and it ribs almost every aspect of Lucas's supreme space fantasy. To wit Henry Silva appears as the evil High Gorgon Leader (wearing a Darth Vader helmet and boasting a mechanical arm); he commands a massive space-fortress (like the Death Star), and harnesses a weapon that could easily destroy space station Perma One.

Once more, it is Captain Adam Quark (Richard Benjamin) and his crew of colorful misfits to the rescue. This week, Ficus (Richard Kelton) is added to the mix as the logical alien Ficus, a Vegeton. In the best tradition of the original Star Trek, Ficus and Quark debate human emotions (particularly love), and Quark ends up flustered and irritated by the talkative resident alien.

But the Star Wars parody comes fully into play as Quark takes on the Gorgons with the help of the United Galaxy's secret weapon: a disembodied voice called The Source (think Ben Kenobi saying "use the Force" to Luke Skywalker during the final Death Star trench run...ad nauseum.)

The only problem is that the Source has been out to pasture for 200 years and is, well, kind of rusty. Oh, and the Source is also insecure and easily offended. For instance, he demands unquestioning belief from Quark, even though the Source keeps making mistakes...or forgetting to share important information (like the fact that Quark should be carrying a bomb across a light bridge so as to destroy the Gorgon doomsday weapon).... The Source is also a vain know-it-all, and a nag. To complete the job of destroying the Gorgon weapon, for instance, he demands that Quark and his crew cheer him on. They do so, under great duress.

Remember the scene in Star Wars on the Millennium Falcon, in which Luke adorns a helmet and uses the Force - instead of his eyes - to repel a small spherical probe? Quark parodies that scene in "May the Source Be With You" as the Source instructs Gene/Jean, the Betty Clones and Ficus to tune their lasers to a low setting, and then fire simultaneously -- and repeatedly -- at Quark. Meanwhile, if Quark believes in the Source, he will be able to use a small glowing sphere to repel all the blasts. Not a single gamma gun blast will touch him...

Guess whether or not Quark gets shot. Or more accurately, guess how many times Quark gets shot. And where.

Besides mocking elements of Star Wars, "May the Source Be With You" also takes the time to develop many of the Quark supporting characters here. Andy the robot is cowardly (again), but then finds his courage and charges a group of three or four Gorgon soldiers. Over the course of the episode, Andy continues to recount this heroic story, adding to the number of enemies he faced down. By the end, the robot is saying "did I ever tell you about the time I charged 57 Gorgons?"

Gene/Jean the transmute, meanwhile, alternates between attacking Gorgon soldiers, and going totally femme, as you might expect given his nature as both male and female. Also, the Clones attempt to send a long distance call to Perma One, and - in the face of Gorgon resistance -- claim (ridiculously) not to know one another. Despite the fact they are identical twins. And dressed identically too...

In the final analysis, the thing that makes "May the Source Be With You" so memorable is the fact that -- after all the fireworks and comedy -- the series aims for something deeper. Allow me to explain: Quark must return "The Source" to a small container on Perma One. There the Source will wait alone, perhaps for another two hundred years or more, until needed again. The strange thing is that despite the comedy, despite the silliness, this final goodbye between Quark and the Source is actually touching in some strange way. All episode long, the Source has been an irritant to Quark, getting him into all kinds of trouble. And yet, there's also something heroic and wonderful about this "force.". And then, in the coda, Quark seems to acknowledge that their relationship has been more than an irritant. He is is courteous and downright tender to the Old Source as the old spirit is put out to pasture again. There's something magical and right and very human about this valedictory moment.

What it reveals is that Quark -- like the "source" material it borrows from (Star Trek and Star Wars) -- boasts a heart as well as a funny bone.

CULT TV BLOGGING: Quark: "Pilot" (1977)

In 1977, Buck Henry did to Star Trek (and science fiction TV programs in general) what he had already done to James Bond (and the spy genre in general) with his previous comedy series, Get Smart.

In other words, Henry crafted Quark, a sharp and funny sci-fi satire; a merciless parody that understood perfectly the content and form of that which it sought to mock (and also, in a weird sense, honor).

Quark the series ran for only seven delightful episodes (following the pilot) in 1978 before a quick cancellation. Yet the series has survived in fandom as something of a legend ever since...and for good reason. Now that the series is finally available on DVD, I'll be blogging the episodes here, beginning with this early pilot (which pre-dated the arrival of Star Wars by just a few weeks.)

First, a small disclaimer: there are some notable differences between the pilot and the eventual series. Most notable among these changes is that the pilot episode features a wacky mad scientist-type named O.B. Mudd in a supporting role; a character who is replaced (mercifully...) in the series by an unemotional and logical science officer named Ficus...an alien from the planet Vegeton.

In Quark's pilot, we join Captain Adam Quark (Richard Benjamin) aboard his United Galaxy Sanitation Patrol Ship. Quark is from the (abandoned) planet Earth, particularly an ancient country called "America" (a country which -- historians believe -- worshipped a talking Mouse named Mickey). Quark cares for an alien pet named Ergo in the pilot episode: a hungry little ball of gelatin (shades of Dark Star...) that would just as soon snack on Quark's legs as doggie kibbles. In the pilot episode (as in later episodes), we are privy to Quark's thoughts: a captain's log of sorts, here called a "star note."

Quark's mission? To boldly collect space garbage baggies (literally giant green garbage bags drifting through space...). He is an acknowledged expert at the difficult garbage collection maneuver, manipulating his ship's "auto-grabs" (giant robotic arms, which shove the baggies into the ship's open mouth).

Quark's colorful crew includes two helms-people: the drop-dead gorgeous clones Betty and Betty (The Double Mint Twins). A running joke in both the pilot and the series is that each Betty claims to be the original article...and points the finger at the other as the second rate copy. Quark never learns which Betty is which.

Also aboard the ship is the chief engineer: an impulsive Transmute named Gene/Jean (Tim Thomerson). Gene/Jean -- like all his people -- possesses a complete set of male and female chromosomes. This makes him a tough-talking macho man in some scenes, and a mincing effete in others. As you might guess, the transition between personalities often comes at inopportune moments.

Finally, there is a cowardly robot named Andy, built by Quark and Mudd. Andy falls in love with a critical piece of the ship's machinery in the pilot episode...and the two machines get engaged.

Quark's base of operations is the space station called Perma One. It is administrated by a bureaucrat named Otto Palindrome (Conrad Janis of Mork and Mindy) and commanded by a disembodied, over-sized head called, appropriately, The Head.

In Quark's pilot episode, Quark is sent on an apparent suicide mission. A giant enzyme cloud has been detected in Sector M82 and is on an intercept course with Perma One, metabolizing all matter and all life in its path. The only ship in the quadrant to stop this menace is...Quark's!

If you're a Star Trek fan, you may recognize this story a parody of the episode "The Immunity Syndrome" about a giant amoeba "sucking" up all life in several solar systems. There's also a Space:1999 episode entitled "Space Brain" about - yeah - a space brain - sending out antibodies to crush Moonbase Alpha and avoid a collision. Even after Quark, Star Trek used a variation of the theme in Star Trek: The Motion Picture, which concerned another threatening "space cloud." Here, the only way to defeat the hungry Enzyme Cloud is to feed it over two-hundred tons of...space garbage.

The greatest thing about this pilot episode is not merely that Quark has pinpointed a suitable old genre chestnut to parody, but that Richard Benjamin portrays Adam Quark as though he thinks he's actually Captain Kirk. Benjamin plays the material straigh (dead straight, actually)t, making his Quark a romantic, a philosophizer and even, after a fashion, a sort of action hero. It reminds me, indeed, of Don Adams' approach on Get Smart. Maxwell Smart was a comic figure, certainly, but he could throw a punch and handle himself in action scenes too.

Similarly, Adam Quark is believable as the captain of this particular ship at the same time that he is very, very amusing. Usually, he's just plain flustered at his turn of bad luck, or the incompetence of his underlings.

The pilot episode also goes a long way towards establishing the bizarre "larger" universe of Quark. On the spaceship, for instance, the crew eats by taking nourishment out of pneumatic tubes. They sleep in "cryogeno-tubes" and traverse decks through a hatch...and a slide. Though the special effects are of 1977 vintage, they hold up surprisingly well today. The gag with the space baggies is a good one.

Also, in the tradition of Rod Serling or Gene Roddenberry, there's even a little bit of socially relevant material about mankind's bigotry in this sci-fi pilot. After Mudd has a negative encounter with Gene/Jean, Quark reminds him that "Transmutes are people like everyone else." Mudd's response: "Would you want your sister to marry one?" In some small sense, then Gene/Jean represents an early portrayal of a gay man on television (concurrent with Billy Crystal's performance in Soap).

Despite some interesting moments like that, one can detect that the Quark format was still on something of a shakedown mission here. (In future episodes, sets and costumes are altered quite a bit, for instance.) A lot of the material in the pilot, about Palindrome and The Head sending a "long distance laser gram" through an infuriating multi-limbed operator called "Interface," feels woefully outdated now. Still, it's an interesting (and timely...) comment on Ma Bell in the 1970s, I suppose. Still, the series would improve dramatically in upcoming episodes with the arrival of Ficus (Richard Kelton), a character designed to parody the loquacious, logical Mr. Spock.

The next episode is a Star Wars parody entitled: "May the Source Be With You."