Saturday Morning Cult-TV Blogging: Monster Squad "Albert/Alberta" (1976)

In “Albert/Alberta” the Monster Squad combats a villain who is half-man/half-woman: Albert/Alberta (Vito Scotti).

This nefarious fiend is using a highly-advanced laser weapon to melt the polar ice and cause a second great flood. 

Meanwhile, he plans to convert his ship, the Mezzo-Mezzo, into an ark carrying two of every animal species…including vampire bats and werewolves.

Dracula and the Wolf Man sneak aboard Albert/Alberta’s ship and attempt to reverse the melting of the ice, but they are captured and Albert/Alberta plans to tear them asunder inside his weird device, “The Great Divider.”

Fortunately, it’s Frankenstein to the rescue…

Monster Squad (1976) comes to an end with Victor/Victoria…er “Albert/Alberta.”  The episode is the same sort of nonsense we have been treated to in previous weeks: an unimaginative, thoroughly derivative regurgitation of Batman’s high-camp TV adventures, right down to the threat of the week (in this case, the Great Divider), the notable villain, and the final tussle.

I’ll be honest, re-watching all thirteen episodes of Monster Squad in 2014 has been a bit of a chore, but I wanted to do it because I loved the show in 1976, and felt it was great that the long-forgotten Saturday morning series was getting a DVD release. 

I appreciate all the performers on the show -- particularly the actors who play the monsters -- because they gave the production their all, even when the props department, the sets, and the writers let them down.  I especially like Henry Polic II as Dracula.  He’s always been my favorite performer on the series, and despite the high camp, his take as the count is indeed memorable.

If you watched Monster Squad back in the 1970s, I recommend that instead of watching the series from start to finish, you instead rely on your no-doubt foggy memories and affection of the series. Pick out two shows, perhaps, to revisit.  I would recommend “Ultra Witch” (with Julie Newmar) and perhaps “The Tickler.”  If you’ve seen one episode of Monster Squad, you’ve pretty much seen them all, so try to pick the top of the formulaic heap…

Saturday Morning Cult-TV Blogging: Monster Squad: "Lawrence of Moravia" (1976)

In “Lawrence of Moravia,” an Arab super-criminal -- the aforementioned Lawrence (Joseph Masoli) --plans to steal a famous pearl the size of a basket-ball from the Belgravian Embassy. 

The Monster Squad attempts to stop the villain, but Frankenstein and the Wolf Man are captured and locked inside a vat of boiling oil…

It’s not always so great to go back and revisit a TV series that you enjoyed as a kid. 

For one thing, as a kid (with relatively little viewing experience…) you don’t notice bad performances or lousy production design, or a campy tone so much.

And for another thing, as a kid, you aren’t necessarily aware of social stereotyping or other bothersome factors.

Watching Monster Squad (1976) today, in 2014, is a weird and uncomfortable reminder of how bad kid’s TV could be in the 1970s.

Fortunately, that awareness is balanced by knowledge that other Saturday morning series were far superior to this one. 

The general lousiness of Monster Squad thus serves to remind us that Sid and Marty Krofft (Land of the Lost) and Filmation (Ark II, Jason of Star Command, Space Academy) deserve some credits for not actively attempting to insult our intelligence.  Their programs are filled with great concepts, and don’t talk down to kids.

And in terms of social stereotypes, a Monster Squad episode like “Lawrence of Moravia” just doesn’t hold up by today’s standards.  Lawrence -- an Arab super-villain – is accompanied by two henchman who are clearly Caucasians painted in swarthy make-up.  Yikes. I hate political correctness as much as the next guy, but there's a difference between being politically incorrect and being offensive.

And at the end of the episode, Walt has occasion to speak with Officer McMacMac, the Irish night-watchman at the Wax Museum.

Naturally, McMacMac speaks in a thick Irish brogue, and in his own way is as bigoted a portrayal of the Irish as Lawrence is of Arabs. We all know that cops are always Irish, right?

McMacMac also looks and sounds like a direct knock-off of Batman’s Chief O’Hara.

Of course, the seventies were a different time, with different standards and different mores.  It’s important to remember that. Accordingly, I don’t believe anybody was setting out to depict Arabs or Irishmen in stereotypical terms.   But it still happened.

Both characters prove my point, simply, that you can’t go home again.  You can’t re-visit Monster Squad now without seeing and register some overt flaws, or without acknowledging that time has passed it by.

To wit, the series’ approach to superheroes -- high camp -- is insulting.  And the sense of humor is pretty antique. In episodes like “Lawrence of Moravia” and “No Face” (with Chief Runny Nose…) the humor is borderline insulting.

Next week: the last episode of Monster Squad: “Albert/Alberta.” 

Saturday Morning Cult-TV Blogging: Monster Squad: "The Weatherman" (1976)

In “The Weatherman,” Walt and the Monsters are concerned when a freak snow storm hits the city….in July. 

Before long, the culprit has made his demands. A villain called “The Weatherman” (Avery Schreiber) wants to be unanimously elected President of the United States, or else he will force the country to endure severe weather for months.  He plans to bury Wisconsin in ice, for example.

The Monster Squad learns that the Weatherman is headquartered in an old U.S. Government weather research center, and confronts him there.  The group learns that he has armed himself with a weapon called a “thunder-buss” that can freeze living tissue.

Unfortunately, the Wolf Man falls prey to the device, meaning that Dracula and Frankenstein must not only defeat the villain of the week, but thaw out their frozen friend as well.

As Monster Squad (1976) winds down (we’re in the home stretch, folks…I promise…), some hidden writer agendas are clearly coming to the series forefront, and those who like to complain about the liberal media indoctrinating kids should be happy at the counter-weight, I suppose. 

Specifically, two weeks ago “The Wizard” complained about the government making bad real estate deals and screwing citizens, while “The Weatherman” depicts the government as incompetent, leaving vacant (for criminal use…) a deadly weather research lab.

And when Werewolf, Frankenstein and Dracula go to the facility, they are asked to sign-in on the guest list…in triplicate.  “Well, it’s only to be expected in a government installation,” The Werewolf quips. 

Perhaps the increasingly apparent dislike of the American Government in the 1970s is not unexpected here, given what the nation had gone through in the two years prior to 1976, specifically the Watergate Scandal and an ignominious withdrawal in the Vietnam War. 

Still, it’s a little shocking to see the anti-government jokes starting to come hot and heavy in a Saturday morning kid’s show.  But hey, Fred Grandy -- Walt in this series -- eventually became a Republican congressman, right?   Perhaps he developed his political philosophy here, in the wax museum…

Seriously, the next time someone complains about liberals indoctrinating children, remind them that conservatives do it too, in fare like 1976’s Monster Squad.

Two other points for consideration here: As I noted recently, Dracula is almost entirely flesh-toned now, his white pancake make-up barely coating his skin. 

And secondly, both this episode and “The Skull” have featured references -- visual or textual -- to the Invisible Man.  In this episode we see him in the Wax Museum behind the Crime Computer, and in “The Skull” the King Toot mummy is unwrapped to reveal no one…or perhaps, the Invisible Man.

If Monster Squad had survived, I wonder if the Invisible Man would have joined the team.

Next week: “Lawrence of Moravia.”

Saturday Morning Cult-TV Blogging: Monster Squad: "The Skull"

In “The Skull,” a criminal master-mind called The Skull (Geoffrey Lewis) sets a plan in motion to awaken and re-animate all the evil geniuses in man’s history.  He decides to start with a famous Mummy, King “Toot.” 

Using the bandaged villain, The Skull plans to steal the 10 million dollar Selma Diamond.

Meanwhile, it is Frankenstein’s birthday and the Monster Squad celebrates the day before tangling with the Skull.

When Frankenstein is captured by Skull and Toot, his friends must come to the rescue.

Although, like most episodes of Monster Squad (1976), “The Skull” isn’t particularly good, it is notable, perhaps because it hits so many mid-1970s Zeitgeist notes. 

For instance, the episode involves an ‘energy crisis’ -- a key term in the era of OPEC embargoes and gas 

lines.  

Secondly, there was a resurgence of interest in King Tut in the pop culture of the 1970s, and this episode transforms him into an evil henchman.

Thirdly, there is talk of “black outs” in the episode, another perennial problem of the mid-decade span.

Besides these specific 1970s touchstones, the episode actually features some new turns in the by-now highly repetitive formula. 

For example, the Skull escapes the climactic fight and flees to a graveyard, forcing the werewolf to fight him there.  The graveyard set is terribly cheap looking -- you can see the grass “sheet” moving back and forth as a battle in an open grave commences – but at least the episode doesn’t rely on the frequently seen final free-for-all or melee in the villain’s HQ that is usually featured.

Also, this is a nice episode for the Frankenstein Monster, who celebrates his birthday, and is threatened with death by electrocution by the Skull.  He survives, and even gets a “charge” out of his experience, but the character holds center stage well.

As Monster Squad episodes go, this is the most tolerable entry since “Ultra Witch.”

Next week: “The Weatherman.”

Saturday Morning Cult-TV Blogging: Monster Squad: "The Wizard" (1976)

In “The Wizard,” the Monster Squad learns the Washington Monument and Mount Rushmore have completely vanished. Walt (Fred Grandy) worries that America will become a country “without traditions” and he sends his friends to investigate.

Behind the missing monuments, Drac, Frank, and the Werewolf discover a villain called the Wizard (Arthur Malet). The Wizard is upset with the United States government because it sold him a thousand acres of worthless land.

Now the Wizard plans on miniaturizing and stealing all the nation’s monuments -- including the Statue of Liberty and the Empire State Building -- using his “presto changer” device. 

Then, once the treasures are in his possession, the Wizard will restore them to their normal size and offer admission to visitors…on his no-longer worthless real estate investment.

“The Wizard” is yet another high-camp goof-fest on Monster Squad (1976), a Saturday morning series that tries hard to be funny but is generally only cringe-worthy.

In this installment, the Wizard -- possessed of his “presto changer” shrinking/enlarging device -- wreaks havoc in Arizona.  The monsters defeat him, but not before Frankenstein and the Wolf Man end up in shrunken form, and Dracula is hit with laughing gas.  Also in “The Wizard,” Walt develops a “universal antidote” to al poisons to medical science…and puts it into cookie form. 

There’s not much to note here besides Monster Squad’s slavish, persistent devotion to repeating Batman’s (1966 -1968) camp formula.  On that ABC show, however, the performers were better, the production design -- while ridiculous -- was also far superior, and a lot of the material was genuinely funny.  Batman is high art compared to this program.

One point to note here: Dracula’s (Henry Polic II) white pancake make-up is a good deal lighter and more flesh-toned in “the Wizard,” and future episodes than in previous ones.

This is an indication, perhaps, that either the heavy make-up was harming Mr. Polic’s skin, or taking too much time to apply. 

But the change in Drac’s complexion is very noticeable indeed, especially when one looks back at previous segments.

Next week: “The Skull.”

Saturday Morning Cult-TV Blogging: Monster Squad: "Ultra Witch" (1976)

In “Ultra Witch,” Walt (Fred Grandy) and the Monsters are alarmed by a world-wide emergency. All the cows in the world have spontaneously stopped producing milk! This event could ruin the global economy, and deprive children of cookies for its duration.

The Monster Squad discovers that an evil witch (Julie Newmar) has cast a powerful spell to affect the cows in the fashion.  But when Dracula, The Werewolf and Frankenstein confront her, Ultra Witch uses a ray-gun on them that transforms the trio into life-sized black-and-white cardboard statues.

Walt swoops in to help, and realizes that the only way to restore his friends is to steal Ultra-Witch's ray gun and reverse the beam…

“Ultra Witch” is a good bit better than last week’s entry of Monster Squad (1976), the god-awful “The Astrologer.”  The episode owes its comparative success to two significant factors: Julie Newmar, and some adult-themed jokes.

On the former front, Julie Newmar -- Catwoman on Batman (1966 – 1969) -- clearly understands how to do high camp: with a sense of grace and restraint. Newmar doesn’t shout her lines in an attempt to make them play funnier.

Also, she doesn’t deliver her dialogue in such arch and knowing fashion that the audience wants to cringe at the wink-wink/nudge-nudge approach, either.  Instead, more often than not Newmar is soft and melodic. She lets the material -- such as it is -- speak for itself.  She is a very graceful performer, and in a low-budget, slap-dash production like this one, that grace matters.

The jokes are also better this week on Monster Squad. 

Although the premise of magic (!) being used to brainwash cows into not providing humans milk is patently absurd, some of the comedy nonetheless hits the mark.

For instance, early in the episode it is noted that all cows in the world are refusing to give milk. Except one specific cow. It’s from the Middle East, you see, and has instead placed an embargo on its milk.

Yes, it’s silly, but for a country living through the OPEC oil embargoes of the 1970s, the joke hits the mark. Would kids get it?  Probably not.  But the adults of 1976 certainly would have.

Another joke, delivered by Dracula (Henry Polic II) involves his taste for blood and the fact that he is now “on the wagon.”  

Again, the lingo there -- on the wagon -- is not something that a kid watching Saturday morning TV would necessarily understand (or relate to) though the adults in his or her life would.

Before it ends, “Ultra Witch” also takes shots at “bleeding heart liberals,” and “census takers,” again creating the impression of an episode that is pitched just a bit higher than the norm.  It’s as if the writer actually had the parents in mind for this one. And that's a relief.

So this episode isn’t great -- none of the Monster Squad episodes are, frankly -- but “Ultra Witch” is watchable and tolerable, and that combination has been a high reach for the program thus far. 

Next week: "The Wizard."

Saturday Morning Cult-TV Blogging: Monster Squad (1976): "The Astrologer"

In “The Astrologer,” The Monster Squad is shocked when an often-wrong prognosticator (Jonathan Harris) predicts that an Earthquake will strike the West Coast in less than twenty-four hours, separating California permanently from the body of the United States.

(Fred Grandy) and the monsters investigate, only to learn that the Astrologer is determined to make this prediction come true.  In fact, he is taking steps to assure its accuracy!  To that end, the super villain has stolen a thirty-year old atomic bomb, and deposited it in a well at just the right point of sensitive fault line…

Of all Monster Squad episodes thus far, “The Astrologer” just may be the worst, though “Music Man” remains in contention. 

All the familiar elements from Batman are recycled mercilessly here, and the late Jonathan Harris (Dr. Smith on Lost in Space [1965 – 1968]) – in garish eye-make-up -- simply bellows all of his lines at the top of his lungs.

Harris’s poorly-modulated performance reveals the nasty pitfall of the high camp approach.  At some point, all the actors simply go so big that they can’t resist the temptation to out-shout one another.  He who shouts loudest is the funniest, I suppose.  Though “funniest” should be in air-quotes, because the material is amazingly unfunny, and proves even less funny when shouted at extreme volume.

The props and costumes look especially thread-bare this week, with the worst example being the Astrologer’s giant clam, Carlo, which attempts to eat the Frankenstein Monster and the Wolf Man. The clam looks like it is made of poster board.

And perhaps I’m missing something, but what, precisely, does a clam have to do with astrology?

About the only amusing joke of the segment is Walt’s use of a reference book: How to Difuse [sic] a 30 Year Old Atom Bomb, the text by which he instructs Drac how to negate the threat of the week.

At the end of the episode, Walt reveals that the stolen atom bomb was actually a “dud,” and the same could be said of “The Astrologer,” a shrill, loud half-hour of Monster Squad that had the effect of making my wife leave the room while I was watching it.

This one is just dreadful.

Next week: “Ultra Witch.”

Saturday Morning Cult-TV Blogging: Monster Squad (1976): "No Face"

In “No Face,” Walt and his monster friends are shocked when Chief Running Nose (Sid Haig) uses an old clause in a long-standing contract to buy the city for a mere twenty-four dollars. 

Although the Mayor (Edward Fleming) complains, No Face cannot be swayed. “The city is my reservation now,” Running Nose informs his new employee. His first order of business: disarming the police.

When Walt and the Monsters investigate further, they learn that Chief Running Nose has actually been replaced by the diabolical criminal master-mind known as No Face, a genius with make-up whose next task is to imitate the Mayor, and make all crime in the city legal…

Although all the persistent pidgeon English “Chief Running Nose” shtick is highly questionable, if not downright offensive to some, today, “No Face” is nonetheless a slightly better-than-average episode of Monster Squad (1976).

This so largely because of Sid Haig, one of my favorite actors, and a man who can make the most ridiculous dialogue sound plausible, or -- as he does here -- even menacing.  In short, there are some moments in the episode with Sid Haig as No Face in which he seems legitimately fearsome.  Most villains on the series are not drawn in so effective fashion.

The episode also provides some nice history about Walt’s group.  When the Mayor (really No-Face) tells the Monster Squad he doesn’t need its help, Frankenstein notes that “We’ve saved this city once a week for at least five years.” 

It’s nice too that Edward Fleming is back as the Mayor, after originating the role in “Mr. Mephisto.”

If we look to the familiar formula that Monster Squad has established, one can see how “No Face” conforms. The Squad learns about the villain of the week on TV (as in ‘Music Man”), and heads off to defeat him.  The cliffhanger threat at the villains’ headquarters (A movie studio) is a giant candle. Specifically, the Wolf Man is put inside the giant wax tube, and it is actually lit!  Finally, the villain is hoisted by his own petard, by bottles of his hair spray “Forever Hold” and make-up putty.

Finally, another crib from Batman (1966 – 1969): “No Face,” a make-up master with the ability to change his appearance, seems like a reflection of Malachi Throne’s villain on the Dozier series, False Face.

Saturday Morning Cult-TV Blogging: Monster Squad (1976): "Music Man"

In this week’s installment of Monster Squad (1976), called “Music Man,” the monsters and Walt (Fred Grandy) watch a telethon being held for the “scourge of all scourges” and mankind’s “greatest ailment:” death by natural causes.

Unfortunately, the telethon is interrupted by a super villain, The Music Man (Marty Allen), who steals all the money raised and makes off with it.

The Monster Squad tracks the Music Man to the Lorenzo Music Academy, and Drac, Frank and the Werewolf pretend to be students seeking music lessons.

The Music Man sees through this ruse, however, and traps the Squad in a diabolical “Echo Chamber,” leaving Walt, back at the wax museum, to figure a way out of the crisis.

“The Music Man” is notable primarily for the central presence of Marty Allen (1922 - ), a performer who was an American hero in World War II, and later became part of the famous comedy duo, Allen and Rossi.  Marty Allen also appeared on The Ed Sullivan show more than three dozen times.

Genre fans may also recognize Allen from the Rod Serling’s Night Gallery episode “Make Me Laugh,” directed by Steven Spielberg.

Unfortunately, Allen isn’t given much of a character to play here, and he comes across as one of the series more generic villains. No doubt, he deserved better. 

In fact, “Music Man” is one of the least interesting episodes of Monster Squad.  The heroes show up at the Lorenzo Music Academy (perhaps named for Batman writer Lorenzo Semple Jr.), and (ineffectually) attempt to go undercover there…even while donning their full monster regalia.  They are then, predictably, captured and held prisoner for the remainder of the episode.

“Music Man” reveals that the creative arteries of the series have hardened into an unchanging and unchangeable formula. Every week we learn of a new crime at the wax museum, meet the villain of the week, and the Monsters investigate him or her.  The monsters are then captured, and held in some diabolical trap until one of the squad (and sometimes Walt…) figures out a way to turn the tables.

Here, all the jokes about death by natural causes are a little mystifying. They play, perhaps, as a critique of telethons. In other words, people will raise many for any cause if the heart-strings are pulled, even dumb ones.  In my opinion, this is a bit ungenerous…

Only two other things of significance left to note in this review. 

First, when the Werewolf climbs the wall of the Music Academy, the visual is a retread of the famous Batman and Robin wall-climbing trick from the Batman TV series of the 1960s, yet another way in which Monster Squad apes that (far superior…) series.

And finally, there’s a nice bit of continuity here as Music Man notes that his favorite performing venue is Madison Round Garden, the city locale we saw in the episode “The Ringmaster.”

Next week, a slightly better episode: “No Face.”

Saturday Morning Cult-TV Blogging: Monster Squad: "The Ringmaster"

In “The Ringmaster,” Frank’N’Stein (Michael Lane) wants to visit the circus while it is in town, but Walt (Fred Grandy) learns that a terrible crime is in the offing there.

The evil Ringmaster (Billy Curtis) and his sidekicks, Sam Strongman (H.B. Haggerty) and Bonnie Bon (Simone Griffeth) have captured 20,000 orphans attending the circus, and are holding them hostage for ten thousand dollars apiece.

If the city doesn’t pay up, the Ringmaster plans to poison the children with “stupid gas,” transforming even the smartest kids into “dumb dumbs.”

Dressed up as clowns, Walt and the Monster Squad infiltrate the circus and confront the Ringmaster, but Drac, Frank, and the Wolf Man (Buck Kartalian) are captured and put into a jail cage with a lion. 

Unless they can tame the lion, the stupid gas will activate and a generation will succumb to utter stupidity…

More high-camp hijinks are afoot in “The Ringmaster,” as the gang of monsters and Walt confront a villain with “stupid gas,” “the wheel of misfortune,” and other menaces at an arena called “Madison Round Garden.”

As before, the format of Monster Squad deliberately and relentlessly apes Batman (1966 – 1969), and all the laughs -- and props -- are cheap ones.  The episode also borders on bad taste with the presence of Bonnie Bon, an obese woman constantly seen eating food -- messily -- including chocolate bars, ice cream, and, suggestively, a banana.

As is par for the course, the villain’s plan doesn’t make much sense. The Ringmaster plans to ransom 20,000 orphans for ten thousand a piece (or 200 million, total…) so that he can buy up and then close-down all the toy stores in the country.  His motivation to do so stems from his hatred of all children after years spent performing for the little brats.

As for the Monster Squad -- here termed the “Quixotic Quartet” -- it tangles with a very sedate-looking lion in this episode, and the confrontation with the Ringmaster ends in what appears to be a glitter-filled pillow fight.  The Ringmaster is defeated when Drac jams a tuba over his head.

Other than all these bizarre touches, there isn’t much else to talk about here, except the notion that high camp, vetted poorly, is often excruciating to watch, and ultimately turns every effort -- including  good performances -- to shit. 

In the end of “The Ringmaster,” Frank’N’Stein is exposed to the stupid gas and he becomes brilliant.  One can only hope that the kids exposed to Monster Squad in 1976 ended up the same way

And seriously, I loved this show as a kid, and was heart-broken when it was canceled.

Next week: "The Music Man"